Another Close Call

Last night, when I phoned my mom she was taking yet another breathing treatment. She needs them every three hours now. The breathing machine makes a loud rumbling sound so my dad was able to speak to me without my mother hearing him. His voice was soft and somber.

"Your mom had a real tough weekend," he began. "Saturday night I thought I was going to have to take her back to the hospital. She couldn't breathe." I could hear the despair in his voice.

He went on to tell me that after waking up in the middle of the night, Mom took four (or more) breathing treatments in a row: all futile. Dad wanted to call 911 but Mom didn't want to go back to the hospital. Finally, she was able to breathe a bit and her nerves started to settle down.

Tentatively, they discussed the option of calling in Hospice. We had interviewed them on a previous visit. Soon my mother was feeling a little better and sitting up in her favorite chair. She could breathe again! I couldn't help but think of how this natural process of life is so often taken for granted. Simply being able to breathe: do we ever even think about it? I do now.

Listening to my father, I could only begin to imagine the tremendous amount of fear they had recently endured. For Mother it was, and always will be, the fear of dying. For Dad, it is the fear of losing her and the helplessness in not being able to prevent it. Ultimately they did not have to call 911. Nor did they further discuss the option of Hospice. But, I can tell that my dad is nearly at a loss in knowing what more he can do. He is close to his breaking point. As Mom's main caregiver I fear he is beginning to become the patient. This is where my guilt lies. In longing to be there with them when I cannot.

With her breathing treatment over, Mom was able to take the phone from my father. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there to help you," I said, in anguish. "You'll be here next week," she replied, taking a carefully measured breath between each word. "I'm okay now, and soon we'll be putting up that Christmas tree."

"Yes, Mom, soon we'll be putting up that Christmas tree............"