Again, I didn't sleep much last night. Oddly enough, I don't remember dreaming about my mother. In fact, I don't remember dreaming about anything. If only sleep would come! I remember looking at the florescent glow of the clock. The numbers gleamed at 1:30, 3:00 4:30 and again at 5:15. Finally, I arose from my bed to sit in the quiet of the morning and think. The room outside the bedroom felt cold and damp. Even my dog, 'Doodles' didn't follow me. He stayed snuggled in his own cocoon, lying next to my husband, Gary.
Using the remote control, I turned on our gas fireplace. Sitting down on the hearth in front of it the flames ignited, warming my body and spirit. There is something tranquil about firelight, especially in the darkness of the early morning. I find the flickering flames comforting; almost sedating in fact. They allow me to review yesterday without thinking of tomorrow. Sitting in seclusion I feel at peace. Conceivably, this is the way it is supposed to be. The way it needs to be after losing a loved one.
Dawn soon appears above the horizon but still there is no sunrise. Another day of dreariness. How I wish for the sun to shine again! The sight of it enlightens my mood; making the day brighter in every way. Perhaps tomorrow........
Tonight is my first venture out with friends since my mother's passing. I feel ready to socialize again. Not in a large group: that would be too much for me. However, sitting down in a quiet restaurant with two good friends is something I look forward to. It's time to celebrate the season; if only in a small way. My husband deserves it. So do I. The restaurant we're going to is small and quaint, converted from an old Victorian home. I already know the food will be delicious, the company delightful, and the ambiance rich and mellow.
Baby steps, right?
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